There are things that all kids do~ play games, make messes, and talk about growing up. Kids measure their height in hopes they’re growing taller, some girls play house and school pretending to be women and lots of boys play war pretending to be men. It’s beautiful. But who is this “grownup”? And how do I live like one? Haha, I know, embarassing question right? Well maybe not.
I am now 23 years old, I’m a third year law student, I have a wonderful girlfriend named Lauren, a car, student loans, I’ve recently joined up with a new company that has enormous potential. Am I grownup? Am I A grownup?! I think so.. But then again, I view twelve year olds more like peers than children set apart from me by the chasm of adulthood. I can’t say the same however about older generations. As much as I want to feel like their peer, sometimes I feel, rather young.
In evaluating this issue, there’s one thing I don’t think I’ll ever shake. It’s the feeling of being afraid. A friend of mine once said to me, “It seems like you’re not afraid of anything”. The idea of me not being afraid of anything is simply put, a cool sounding but ill natured lie. Eleanor Roosevelt said this about fear,
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”
This morning, I was thinking about how “fathers” have gained a bad rep with some people, because throughout the ages of humanity, lots of fathers have left their families. What on earth could drive a dad to throw in the towel and walk out the door? I believe a strong force at work is fear. The feeling of not having all of the answers, not knowing what the future holds, and not being in control is scary. For some reason, I often connect growing up with figuring things out, getting solid answers, and in a sense gaining more control because of those answers. But what often happens in my own life, is that right when I think I’ve figured something out, a new complexity is thrown into the mix, and my nicely wrapped gift of knowledge becomes another thing I don’t really know.
For example, a friend of mine and I weren’t clicking. There was something between us that ended up being a conflict we were able to resolve. Afterwards, I tucked the process by which we reached that resolution into my pocket for the next time I was at odds with somebody. But then, when the next conflict came, the prior process of success didn’t seem to mend things at all. In fact, I still haven’t figured out what to do with that situation. Why? Because life is complex. Because I am not in control. And this can be scary.
Webster defines a grownup as a mature person. So could it be that growing up is more about broadening our perspective of life, and less about figuring life out? I think so. Because the person who approaches a disagreement between two friends, with an attitude of respect for the complexity of the situation and people involved, and who relies upon the grace and spirit of God Himself to help, probably has a greater chance of seeing redemption in the friendship, than a person who tackles the situation with confidence in himself and relies upon logic to handle things.
I think Mrs. Roosevelt spoke a great truth that I want to continue to live my life by. Instead of trying to rid myself of all of my fears by figuring everything out, I need to lay down my fear of not knowing – not knowing what to do in every situation, not knowing what my life should look like after I graduate law school. Fear is just something that’s going to exist in my life. It’s a beautiful reminder that I won’t have it all figured out. That God is bigger than myself.
In the Bible, Timothy wrote, “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” I want to pursue these. I think that the less pressure I put on myself, and the more I chuckle when I don’t have the answers and look to others for help, then fear will have less grip on my life.
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